Chicken Buses & The Rest of Central America

Well we have left Central America, a stunning region and a place that Carrie and I enjoyed immensely. Sadly our stay seemed altogether too brief, but the time has come to move on, we have written a few things down below which were fun to write, give them a read comments are welcome.

A ride on a chicken bus in Central America is an unavoidable part of travelling in the region. They are inexpensive (usually, although the standard gringo charge is in effect in most of guatemala), frequent, and generally your only option.

Carrie and i have noticed a few do´s and dont´s and have jotted them down for future reference for anyone travelling in the region.

1.
To ride a chicken bus you must be able to whistle. No bells, dingers or stop buttons on these buses, a whistle to the driver from any part of the bus, on any stretch of road will signal the need for an immediate stop. A loud yell is seen as uncouth to fellow bus mates and chances of a bus driver stopping are relatively low. A bang on the roof will suffice at a pinch, but a whistle especially from a gringo usually draws nods of approvement from the locals and a chorus of beunos dias from the staff members.
2.
The number of men (we did not see one woman working on the buses in 3 months) required to work the bus for any length of route is a minimum of 2, but 3 is preferrable. One is obviously the driver, whose primary responsibility is to drive, overtake and generally set the loudness of the radio (see below). The second mans responsibility is to hang out of the open door screaming the direction of the travel and generally trying to cram as many people into the bus as possible. He will then collect the money (no set fees though) from the passengers based on how far along the route they will be going. It is this mans responsiblity for climbing to the roof to retreive parcels. If there is a third man on the bus he will generally oversee the work of the junior money collector inbetween napping on a specially vacated seat just for him.
3.
The bus is to have originally been a school bus from the United States of America, buses retaining the orginal bright yellow colour still have some cred, but far better is a bus that has had a new paint job and some sort of slogan written in flames. The interior of the bus is to be decorated with as many stickers as possible. The choice is at the discretion of the bus driver, but Winnie the Pooh and looney tunes characters are most admired and therefore popular with the locals.
4.
The bus is never full. As a passenger you have a responsibility to fit as many people onto a seat as possible, if you are standing you must push back into others as much as possible, if instructed by the second in charge that you must squeeze tighter to the people next to you, you must shuffle your feet, smile and make a feeble attempt to move. Although this is usually impossible they still always manage to get the additional people on board (no matter how long it takes) then it is the second in charges responsibility to return to the front door and continue screaming out the name of the town to be travelled too in an attempt to gather more passengers.
5.
It is the riders responsibility to check the destination. When riding it is important to ask both driver and second in charge, and a passenger or two to check, it is not uncommon for the driver to guarantee that he will take you to a town to find out that you are in fact heading in the wrong direction and the driver only wanted to secure your fare, not actually get you to your destination.
6.
The selling of goods will be permitted at all times. Hawkers may lob on the bus any time its speed dips below 5km/h to sell their wares. Goods of any description may be sold, we have encountered just about everything on our travells from water, seaweed viagra, shoes, lighter refills to medication, fully cooked hot dinners and coconut bread. Hawkers wishing to travel on the bus may ride until sufficient interest in their goods has subsided, they will then be expected to depart at the next stop, ready to catch the bus back in the other direction to peddle more goods.
7.
Transportation of live animals (no matter how dangerous) will be accepted. Whilst chickens are the typical animal of choice it is up to the passenger what they wish to bring onto the bus.
8.
The radio is under the control of the driver and the driver only. He will set the type (often mexican mariachie) and the volume. Passengers with bleeding eardrums will have no recourse towards the driver as written in the central american noise violation order of 1948.
9.
The horn is to be used at all stages of the journey. Passing, not passing, going straight, turning, seeing a hot girl on the side of the road all draw an appreciative honk from the bus driver. It is the drivers job to enusre that if the horn as not been pressed he must test the horn every 10 seconds to ensure proper working order.
10.
Any seat you can secure is considered golden, and you will not be required to move for the remainder of your journey, despite pregnant or aged woman, or anyone with trouble standing, even if you offer your seat you shall be politely refused, and then generally laughed at by the rest of the passengers, it pays to act like the locals do and sit back pretending to not notice events transpiring around you. The next best seat possible is the arm of a chair currently occupied by someone else, it is expected than an aisle stander may take up as much room on the seats by leaning pushing or squatting, as long as their bum does not touch the seat this will be accepted by the seated.


In the tradition of Phillips/Pilkington end of year best and worst awards, we have decided to give out a few awards of our own:

WORSTS
Dumbest Traveller Award
This has got to go to the New York Sex and the City couple Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumber. I thought we were off to a rocky start when i asked her what she did and she told me she worked in TV. Really i said, yeah i work for the weather channel she replied, then she asked if we had that in Australia, well we have the australian weather channel i told her, yeah we heard you dont have any US channels down there she then replied... not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Stupidest Thing to Have Brought on the Trek Award
Hands down this has got to go to Carrie, bringing a hair straightener..... it didnt see a lot of use on the travels so was recently posted home! Although a stuffed toy tiger won in Vegas that has snuck into her bag may well be a contender!
Half Arsed Guide Award
This one brought about some very tough competition, but beating our volcano Pacaya guide who looked on as someone attempted to toast a marshmellow with a plastic fork was Jeff our Scuba Diving instructor in Honduras, who didnt pay alot of attention to making sure his bathers stayed up, and payed even less attention to his students, oh well it wasnt like we were doing anything life threatening!
Uncomfortable Moment Award
Sitting at the lunch table with our new Guatemalan family having the gandmother breakdown in tears about how much it costs to feed us, pass the bread if you please! Where is another earthquake when you need it!
Smallest but Biggest Prick Award
Has to go to the mosquito that gave me Dengue fever. What i wouldnt give to catch up with him again.

BEST
Sisters Doing it for Themselves Award
Carrie (my protegee) beating 24 other men to claim the first poker tournament we entered in a Guatemalan pub
Mythbusters Award
Goes to the New Zealand couple, Mat and Caro who have proved that not all New Zealanders are dickheads with mild intellectual disabilities and speach impediments. Come to think about it the only New Zealander i spend much time with is you though noods....
Out of the Clack moment of Brilliance Award
Well this one has got to go to yours truly. Travelling on the subway in New York, on the way to JFK airport, plenty of time, not gonna miss another plane we are thinking. All of a sudden it dawns on me that New York has 2 airports, get of the train i yell at the next stop, sure enough we flew out of Laguardia and made it just in time.